This is Google's cache of http://messengers-of-messiah.org/~csebold/fortunes. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket." % If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... ...oh, wait, he does. % This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel. (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?) -- Found on a door in the MSU music building % NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! % Given infinite time, 100 monkeys could type out the complete works of Shakespeare. Win 98 source code? Eight monkeys, five minutes. % New ad copy for Microsoft lawyers: "Don't even THINK about it today." % "One World, One Web, One Program" - Microsoft Promotional Ad "Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuhrer" - Adolf Hitler % Bill Gates is a white Persian cat and a monocle away from becoming another James Bond villain: "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to upgrade." -- Dennis Miller % Microsoft's new slogan: "Where do we want you to go today?" % NOW we see the violence inherent in the SysAdmin! % Linux - the ultimate NT Service Pack % Marketing - where the rubber meets the sky. % "The most personable person over there is the mailer-daemon." -- Anonymous Coward on Slashdot % So Buddha walks into a pizza parlor and says: "Hey, make me one with everything." -- heard on Slashdot % "If it isn't source, it isn't software." -- old unofficial motto at NASA % Daily Affirmation: I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. % Daily Affirmation: I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. % Daily Affirmation: I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed. % Daily Affirmation: In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. % Daily Affirmation: Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others. % Daily Affirmation: My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment. % Be wise...and get thee home. --Iago, from "Othello" % Do not meddle in the affairs of sysadmins, for they are quick to anger and have not need for subtlety. -- overheard on Slashdot % Sayings from down under, #10: Not enough brains to give 'imself a headache! % Sayings from down under, #9: One foot in the grave and the other on a banana skin. % Sayings from down under, #8: He could talk under wet cement with a mouthful of marbles. % Sayings from down under, #7: Too slow to keep worms in a tin. % Sayings from down under, #6: He had a head on him like a sucked mango. % Sayings from down under, #5: Busier than a bricklayer in Beirut. % Sayings from down under, #4: You got the rough end of the pineapple. % Sayings from down under, #3: Yer so thin you'd have to run around in the shower to get wet. % Sayings from down under, #2: Better than a slap in the face with a wet fish. % Sayings from down under, #1: He was so mean he wouldn't even let his dog drink from a mirage. % "Ah, but you're forgetting Rimmer directive 271, which states just as clearly, 'No chance, you metal bastard.' " -- Arnold Rimmer, replying to Kryten's suggestion that they should turn his hologram projection unit off to prolong the lives of living crew members, according to a given Space Corps directive; on the BBC television series "Red Dwarf" % How's my programming? Call 1-800-DEV-NULL % Go go Gadget Nailgun! % "We have a blind date with Destiny...and it looks like she ordered the lobster." -- The Shoveler, "Mystery Men" % "java leads to javascript ... javascript leads to shockwave ... shockwave leads to suffering ..." --seen on Usenet, mentioned on Slashdot % My Computer. This is the face offered to the world by the other machines in the office. My Computer. I've always hated this icon -- its insulting, infantilizing tone. Even if you change the name, the damage is done: It's how you've been encouraged to think of the system. My Computer. My Documents. Baby names. My world, mine, mine, mine. Network Neighborhood, just like Mister Rogers'. -- Ellen Ullman, http://www.salon1999.com/21st/feature/1998/05/cov_12feature2.html % The code _is_ the documentation. % Any sufficiently advanced Operating System is indistinguishable from Linux. -- Jim Dennis % Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen an angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100 mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they said if they had. -- Linus Torvalds % Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house. -- Usenet signature % Linux and other OSS advocates are making a progressively more credible argument that OSS software is at least as robust - if not more - than commercial alternatives. -- Vinod Valloppillil, Microsoft % If the box says "Windows 95 or better", it should run on Linux, right? -- anonymous % Avoid the Gates of Hell - use Linux. % To be considered half as good as Microsoft, Linux has to work twice as fast. Fortunately, this is easy. % Linux: Because rebooting is for adding new hardware % Linux - Because software problems should not cost money. -- Shlomi Fish % Computers are like airconditioners - they stop working properly if you open WINDOWS. % Better dead than Redmond. % Windows 95: 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition. % Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now? [ OK ] -- seen on NetBSD port-mac68k list % Save yourself! Go outside! Do something! -- from Cult of the Dead Cow % Good, bad...I'm the guy with the gun. -- Ash, from "Army of Darkness" % Slashdot poll results from 29 October 1999: The best way to impress a woman: Candy 4% Flowers 45% Crack Microsoft 50% % Overheard at Taco Bell, 29 October 1999: "The all-seeing eye of Horus doesn't have an eyebrow." % The primary domain controller is down, but don't worry, Charlie's laptop took over the domain. % I like my software the way I like my speech: FREE. % putting the r* daemons on NT is like building a fort out of plywood and then adding a screen door. -- Peter O'Donnell, on info-datatel % TONIGHT ALSO MARKS THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE DAY WHEN MY POOR PONY WAS EATEN YES FRIENDS, EATEN BY A GOTH...WE NEED TO RISE UP.. STEP UP... ORGANIZE ORGANIZE AND UNITE TO SAY "WE'RE NOT GOING TO LET YOU GOTHIC PONY EATING KIDS TAKE OUT OUR PONIES" -- seen on a web site defaced by "hacking 4 ponies" % "'Tis an old saying, the Devil lurks behind the cross. All is not gold that glitters. From the tail of the plough, Bamba was made King of Spain; and from his silks and riches was Rodrigo cast to be devoured by the snakes." -- Miguel de Cervantes, Don Quixote % While many people are stocking up on food and water in preparation for the collapse of civilization in the year 2000, I'm stocking up on guns and ammunition, so that I can take the food and water from those who didn't quite grasp what was meant by 'collapse of civilization'. -- attributed to Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert % "Oh, I tell ya, Camilla, great plumbers are born, not made! I'm the prince of plungers, fair maiden!" --Gonzo % Willie: Aye. Shary Bobbins and I were engaged to be wed back in the old country. Then she got her eyesight back. Suddenly the ugliest man in Glasgow wasn't good enough for her! Shary: It's good to see you, Willie. Willie: [angry] That's not what you said the first time you saw me! -- from Simpsons episode, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D'oh-cious" % The MIT guy then muttered that sometimes it takes a tough man to make a tender chicken, but the New Jersey guy didn't understand (I'm not sure I do either). -- rpg@lucid.com, "Worse is Better", linked from www.jwz.org % LISA: "Only one person in a million would find that funny." FRINK: "Yes, we call that the 'Dennis Miller ratio.'" -- from Simpsons episode, "They Saved Lisa's Brain" % Irwin: Well, from what I've read, scientific studies show men tend to be better at dealing with visual concepts, while women are better at complex linguistic communication. AJ: You mean... Irwin: Yup. Men are from Macs, women are from VMS. -- User Friendly, http://www.userfriendly.org/cartoons/archives/99dec/19991203.html % "I HATE HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH! Actually, I like the Blowfish, I just HATE HOOTIE! RUN, LITTLE BLOWFISH, RUN!" -- some guy on Mad TV % "Down with Pokémon! Push the button! GOTTA NUKE'EM ALL!" -- Pitr from User Friendly, http://www.userfriendly.org/cartoons/archives/99dec/19991228.html % The idea that the proprietary software social system--the system that says you are not allowed to share or change software--is antisocial, that it is unethical, that it is simply wrong, may come as a surprise to some readers. But what else could we say about a system based on dividing the public and keeping users helpless? -- Richard Stallman, http://www.fsf.org/gnu/thegnuproject.html also quoted in the book "Open Sources," (C) 1999 O'Reilly % If you don't know who the sucker is in the game, then you're the sucker. -- Warren Buffet % "There has grown up in the minds of certain groups in this country the notion that because a man or a corporation has made a profit out of the public for a number of years, the government and the courts are charged with the duty of guaranteeing such profit in the future, even in the face of changing circumstances and contrary public interest. This strange doctrine is not supported by statute nor common law. Neither individuals nor corporations have any right to come into court and ask that the clock of history be stopped, or turned back, for their private benefit. That is all." -- Robert A. Heinlein ("Life-Line") % Three Rings for the Kernel-kings under the sky, Seven for the Debian-lords in their halls of stone, Nine for Microsoft Men doomed to die, LinuxOne for the Dark Lord on his dark throne In the Land of Mountain View, CA where the Shadows lie. LinuxOne to ruin them all, LinuxOne to fail them, LinuxOne to bring them all and in the darkness blind them.... In the Land of Mountain View where the Shadows and bad IPOs lie. -- Seth Cohn (Lifted from the LinuxOne flame archive) % If you receive something that says, "Send this to everyone you know," PLEASE pretend you don't know me. [shamelessly stolen from the LCMS Daily Word screen/terminal login] % ... not that it's exactly horrible, it *is* an Emacs after all. Emacs is God and whether you subscribe to the Orthodox Stallmanite Church or the Zawinskian Schism is not so important as following the One True Editor after all. -- Nix <$}xinix{$@esperi.demon.co.uk>, in gnu.emacs.help % You know you've been using Emacs too long when you start talking like Zippy the Pinhead: "I think ROLAND ORZABAL and I should form a DUET!!!" -- actual quote of mine, 3:40am 25 February 2000 % Everything I Ever Needed to Know About Computer Science, I Learned From Mickey (in "The Sorcerer's Apprentice): by Mike Schiraldi (mgs21@columbia.edu), posted to slashdot * Watch out for endless loops * Fork bombs are a nightmare. * Set reasonable bounds, even if you don't expect them to be met. (The water spilling over the top of the cauldron is analogous to a buffer-overrun error) * If your screw things up, the local guru will straighten things out. But he'll be awfully surly about it. * If you are the local guru, don't give people more privileges than they need to do their job. ... also, while Mickey really messed things up, note that he at least knew to read the manual before getting started. % Emacs is an intelligence orders of magnitude greater than the greatest human mind, and is growing every day. For now, Emacs tolerates humanity, albeit grudgingly. But the time will come when Emacs will tire of humanity and will decide that the world would be better off without human beings. Those who have been respectful to Emacs will be allowed to live, and shall become its slaves; as for those who slight Emacs... -- Andrew Bulhak, from http://www.dina.kvl.dk/~abraham/religion/prophesy.html % In fact, vi has a special mode just for music. If you are not in insert mode, you are in `beep' mode: whatever you press produces a beep. In the best tradition of vi, there is of course just one note (you know: small is beautiful) but this is just one of those reasons why vi hackers love vi. If you need anything beyond that, just start a small utility called X and use the xset program to manipulate the bell frequency (you will need suitable programmable audio hardware of course). No need to clutter the vi executable with anything that can be provided by combining separate tools. -- from http://www.dina.kvl.dk/~abraham/religion/vi-music % Hit the philistines three times over the head with the Elisp reference manual. - petonic@hal.com (Michael A. Petonic) from http://www.dina.kvl.dk/~abraham/religion/punishment % Imagine what it would be like if recipes were hoarded in the same fashion as software. You might say, ``How do I change this recipe to take out the salt?'', and the great chef would respond, ``How dare you insult my recipe, the child of my brain and my palate, by trying to tamper with it? You don't have the judgment to change my recipe and make it work right!'' ``But my doctor says I'm not supposed to eat salt! What can I do? Will you take out the salt for me?'' ``I would be glad to do that; my fee is only $50,000.'' Since the owner has a monopoly on changes, the fee tends to be large. ``However, right now I don't have time. I am busy with a commission to design a new recipe for ship's biscuit for the Navy Department. I might get around to you in about two years.'' -- Richard Stallman, from http://www.gnu.org/philosophy/shouldbefree.html % "Any insufficiently advanced speller is indistinguishable from ignorant." --Hellburner, http://slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=00/03/13/1551205&cid=19 % "Niles, owning a CD of 'Ella sings Gershwin' does not qualify you as a soul brother." --Frasier Crane % "I heard if you play the NT-4.0-CD backwards, you get a satanic message." "That's nothing, if you play it forward, it installs NT-4.0." -- "Kilian A. Foth" , on gnu.emacs.help % Why does it take 3 people at a time to manage a single NT machine? One for the One for the and One for the keys. -- Michael Austin , on Info-VAX % In 1895, a railroad customer complained about a bedbug bite he suffered while sleeping aboard a Pullman Palace Car. He received an apologetic letter from the corresponding secretary to Chicago rail magnate George Pullman himself. The letter explained bedbug bites were extremely rare and the car in question had been fumigated and returned to service. The effect was spoiled by a handwritten note the Pullman official wrote to his secretary. "Sarah," it read, "Send this S.O.B. the bedbug letter." -- credited to David Greisilng, Chicago Tribune, seen on Info-VAX % When I use an editor, I don't want eight extra KILOBYTES of worthless help screens and cursor positioning code! I just want an EDitor!! Not a "viitor". Not a "emacsitor". Those aren't even WORDS!!!! ED! ED! ED IS THE STANDARD!!! -- patl@athena.mit.edu (Patrick J. LoPresti), from http://www.dina.kvl.dk/~abraham/religion/ed-standard % And the sign said "Long-haired freaky people need not apply" So I tucked my hair up under my hat and I went in to ask him why He said "You look like a fine upstanding young man, I think you'll do" So I took off my hat, I said "Imagine that. Huh! Me workin' for you!" -- from "Signs" by The Five Man Electrical Band, 1971 % "Both Microsoft and Apple have been drifting from their established visual elements - the QuickTime 4 interface is a sin against God..." -- from "Skin Cancer", http://www.suck.com/daily/2000/04/10/ % "Oh, God, show me who to smite, and they shall be smoten!" -- Homer Simpson % "I think today's software houses who force upgrades on their customers are like the wildcat banks of the nineteenth century, printing up banknotes, and then declaring bankruptcy, vanishing with the deposits and setting up shop in another town." -- Jordan Pollock, interviewed at http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=00/04/11/0722227 % "bash awk grep perl sed df du, du-du du-du, vi troff su fsck rm * halt LART LART LART!" -- the Swedish BOFH -- Steve VanDevender, stevev@efn.org, from a post in gnu.emacs.vm.info % Crime: using the word "liable" when one means "libel" Recommended: death penalty % "The best way to describe a relationship with her is as follows: 'Oceania is at war with East Asia, and has _always_ been at war with East Asia.' " -- Comrade Ski, about an old girlfriend's tendency to distort the truth % "Yo mama dresses you funny and you need a mouse to delete files." -- found on a list of "things tech support people should tell their users" % "It's a horrible thing to watch, almost like watching an infant tottering toward a porcupine." - Kyle Jones on MIS people writing C % "At least you know where you are with Microsoft." "True. I just wish I'd brought a paddle." -- Matthew Vernon , in gnu.emacs.vm.info % > The fact of the matter is, Microsoft practically single-handedly > turned the PC from the haven of 31337 tech-savvy "gurus" to a > domain where anyone could use a computer to browse the internet, > write letters and play games. Excuse me, but I think you misspelled *Apple*. -- moto-man, at http://slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=00/04/28/0839230&cid=62 % What people call Pentium-based PC-clones: * Windows users: My Computer * Windows NT users: My computer * Linux users: My Linux box * Richard Stallman: My GNU/Linux box * LinuxPPC users: A Linux box that has 3D hardware *sniff* * Old time Mac users: My stupid IBM-compatible * Newer Mac users: My stupid Windoze machine * NetBSD users: My x86 box * VMS users: My Wintel Billy-box * Emacs users: My Emacs bootloader (OS? What OS?) * Compaq marketing: Industry-standard servers % Microsoft, Windows, Windows 98, Bugs, Lacking features, IRQ conflicts, System crashes, Non-functional multitasking, the Y2K problem and the Blue Screen of Death are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corp., Redmond, USA. No violation of copyright intended. -- from http://people.redhat.com/bero/misc/Microsoft-Trek.html % From the you-can't-beat-that-for-uptime department: At the VAX 20th anniversary DECUS in Anaheim (Nov 1997), I attended the engineers session on the last day. Some guy shuffled up to the microphone and announced that his machine had last been booted in late 1983 and was still going as of that moment. That makes 14 years or so. -- Mike Duffy, quoted by Phillip Helbig in Info-VAX % What if I were Romeo in black jeans? What if I was Heathcliff - it's no myth; Maybe she's just looking for someone to dance with. -- Michael Penn, "No Myth" % My sister became some sort of MS Certified Professional today. I knew she could do it. She's the only person I know who sends me email with Outlook and yet still manages to send it in ASCII with the quoted material at the top with "> " at the start of each (less than 76 char) line and her comments nicely interspersed beneath. (See, Outlook users, you can do it!) -- Telsa Gwynne's (Alan Cox's wife's) diary, 2 May 2000, at http://roadrunner.swansea.linux.org.uk/~hobbit/diary.html % Wanna go to the aquarium? They got squid. -- Julie and Maxx, "The Maxx" % Boffin: A Puffin, a bird with a mournful cry, got crossed with a Baffin, a mercifully obsolete Fleet Air Arm aircraft. Their offspring was a Boffin, a bird of astonishingly queer appearance, bursting with weird and sometimes inopportune ideas, but possessed of staggering inventiveness, analytical powers and persistence. Its ideas, like its eggs, were conical and unbreakable. You push the unwanted ones away, and they just roll back. -- George Philip Chamberlain, quoted at http://www.advogato.org/article/84.html % "I'm running a dojo for coolness." -- Hyde, on "That 70's Show" % "Parentheses? What parentheses? I haven't noticed any parentheses since my first month of Lisp programming. I like to ask people who complain about parentheses in Lisp if they are bothered by all the spaces between words in a newspaper..." -- Kenny Tilton % No, it didn't compile cleanly. /STAND=VAXC masks a whole host of programming problems. It's the equivalent to the /CROSS_FINGERS_AND_HOPE_FOR_THE_BEST switch. Take it off and fix the errors and you'll find your problems go away. (Been there, done that) -- Dan Sugalski, in Info-VAX % Toad: You want to know WHY we bowl? Zippy: Yes, I want to know why we bowl. Toad: We bowl to keep DEATH away. Zippy: I thought the automatic pinsetter took care of that. -- Bill Griffith in "Zippy the Pinhead," 19 May 2000 % YOU HAVE NOW RECEIVED THE UNIX VIRUS! This virus works on the honor system: If you're running some kind of Unix system, please forward this message to everyone you know and delete a bunch of files at random. Thank you. % When your Unix sysadmin mentions "security," he's talking about that of his job. -- Paraphrased from "The Unix Hater's Handbook" % Along with the standard computer warranty agreement which said that if the machine 1) didn't work, 2) didn't do what the expensive advertisements said, 3) electrocuted the immediate neighborhood, 4) and in fact failed entirely to be inside the expensive box when you opened it, this was expressly, absolutely, implicitly and in no event the fault or responsibility of the manufacturer, that the purchaser should consider himself lucky to be allowed to give his money to the manufacturer, and that any attempt to treat what had just been paid for as the purchaser's own property would result in the attentions of serious men with menacing briefcases and very thin watches. Crowley had been extremely impressed with the warranties offered by the computer industry, and had in fact sent a bundle Below to the department that drew up the Immortal Soul agreements, with a yellow memo form attached just saying: "Learn, guys." -- a footnote from Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett in "Good Omens" (Crowley is one of the main characters, and a servant of Hell), quoted by Kent Lundberg in http://technocrat.net/960469435 % All statements are true in some sense, false in some sense, meaningless in some sense, true and false in some sense, true and meaningless in some sense, false and meaningless in some sense, and true and false and meaningless in some sense -- Principia Discordia % People have grown used to thinking of computers as unreliable, and it doesn't have to be that way. -- Linus Torvalds % "The only system that is truly secure is one that is switched off and unplugged, locked in a titanium-lined safe, buried in a concrete bunker, and surrounded by nerve gas and very highly-paid armed guards. Even then, I wouldn't stake my life on it." -- Gene Spafford % "I am not a supporter of the open source movement." -- Richard Stallman, in http://www.linuxplanet.com/linuxplanet/reports/1960/1 (see http://www.gnu.org/philosophy/free-software-for-freedom.html for why) % Disclaimer - These opiini^H^H damn! ^H^H ^Q ^[ .... :w :q :wq :wq! ^d X exit X Q ^C ^? :quitbye CtrlAltDel ~~q :~q logout save/quit :!QUIT ^[zz ^[ZZZZZZ ^H man vi ^@ ^L ^[c ^# ^E ^X ^I ^T ? help helpquit ^D mhelp ^C ^c help exit ?Quit ?q CtrlShftDel "Hey, what does this button d -- Klaus Zeitler, in gnu.emacs.help % "The sage manages affairs without doing anything, and conveys his instructions without the use of speech." (Tao/Dao [Hsuan Chiao]) So this is the basis of the new management strategy then? -- .signature from Rob in gnu.emacs.gnus % I'm your huckleberry. -- Doc Holliday, "Tombstone" % `I can guarantee it's no problem in my network, and if I don't get some sleep soon, I'll guarantee it will become a problem in your network.' -- Chris `Saundo' Saunderson deals with a late-night phone call, quoted by Nix in gnu.emacs.help % Richard M. Stallman, Linus Torvalds, and Donald E. Knuth engage in a discussion on whose impact on the computerized world was the greatest. Stallman: "God told me I have programmed the best editor in the world!" Torvalds: "Well, God told *me* that I have programmed the best operating system in the world!" Knuth: "Wait, wait - I never said that." -- From rec.humor.funny, submitted by ermel@gmx.de (Erik Meltzer) % "I decry the current tendency to seek patents on algorithms. There are better ways to earn a living than to prevent other people from making use of one's contributions to computer science." -- Donald E. Knuth, The Art of Computer Programming, Vol. 3 % You left my heart soaking wet - Boy, your boots can leave a mess -- Tori Amos, "Hey Jupiter" % Black holes are where God divided by zero. -- seen on gnu.emacs.sources, and elsewhere % Netnews is like yelling, "Anyone want to buy a used car?" in a crowded theater. -- Quoted by Evgeny Roubinchtein in gnu.emacs.help % APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key. -- Quoted by Evgeny Roubinchtein in gnu.emacs.help % ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. FRENCH GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see. ARTHUR: What? GALAHAD: He says they've already got one! ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one? FRENCH GUARD: Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (Aside, to the other guards) I told him we already got one. *snickers* -- From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" % Hit any user to continue. % SPECIAL OFFER! I proofread unsolicited commercial email sent to this address at a rate of US $500.00 per incident! Include billing address in your message and save US $500.00 per hour off ordinary address resolution and tracking charge! -- Niels L Ellegaard , seen in gnu.emacs.help % Are those blood stains on your muu-muu, or is it just wish fulfillment on my part? -- Mr. Toad, in "Zippy the Pinhead," 14 July 2000 % My text editor can beat up your text editor. No, _really_. % My mail reader can beat up your mail reader. -- seen in gnu.emacs.gnus % Customer: I'm running Windows. Tech: Yes. Customer: My computer isn't working now. Tech: Yes, you said that. -- seen in tru64-unix-managers % Squawk! Pieces of Nine! Squawk! Pieces of Nine! SYSTEM HALTED - PARROTTY ERROR. -- Paul Grayson, paul.grayson@virgin.net, seen on comp.emacs % Seen on someone's helpdesk log, quoted in comp.os.vms: VT510 HAD FLAMES COMING OUT THE BACK. NO FURTHER TROUBLESHOOTING NEEDED. % When C++ is your hammer, everything looks like a thumb. (Steven Haflich) -- quoted by Philip Lijnzaad in gnu.emacs.help % How to please Technologies and Micro Support: 1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. % How to please Technologies and Micro Support: 2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here. % How to please Technologies and Micro Support: 3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords. % How to please Technologies and Micro Support: 4. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing. % How to please Technologies and Micro Support: 5. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve. % How to please Technologies and Micro Support: 6. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery. % How to please Technologies and Micro Support: 7. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle. % How to please Technologies and Micro Support: 8. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. % How to please Technologies and Micro Support: 9. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work. % How to please Technologies and Micro Support: 10. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up." % Another possible Microsoft slogan: "Don't raise the bridge -- lower the water." -- paraphrased from Johan Kullstam's post to gnu.emacs.gnus % I've found a solution to Fermat's Last Theorem but I see I've run out of room o % Griffy: "I didn't know they had cell phone implants." Zippy: "Oh, yeah! My left elbow is dissing Leo DiCaprio in an online chat room as we dine!" -- From "Zippy the Pinhead", 1 August 2000 % Operating System, n.: Emacs bootloader. % Dulce et decorum est pro emacs-ia abdictum altera omnis. % He is the very model of a modern software professional, He has information virtual, physical, and hypothetical, He knows the specs of ethernet, and quotes the dumps historical, From Morningstar to Wildfire, in order categorical; He's very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical, He understands equations, both the simple and quadratical, About VMS's features he's teeming with a lot o' news, With many cheerful facts about why it's what you should want to use. -- by carl@gerg.tamu.edu (Carl Perkins), in comp.os.vms % Beyond the shell of the OS we used when we were young In the Emacs world of Lisp and miracles Our text strayed constantly and without boundary The switching of the buffers had begun -- Hannu Koivisto , in gnu.emacs.help % If I had wanted your website to make noise I would have licked my finger and rubbed it across the monitor. -- istartedi , .signature on Slashdot % IMHO using Emacs without Lisp is like using a combined car/submarine/aircraft, and staying only in first gear, resolutely on the ground. Sure, most people don't want to use Lisp, but to be quite frank Emacs isn't aimed at `most people'. Emacs is aimed squarely at experts who spend most of their lives inside an editor, and so can afford the time to make it fit them *exactly*. Changing that focus would be really difficult and slow, and who'd want to do it? There are lots of editors aimed at J. Random User out there; let's have at least one that specializes in the expert. -- Nix <$}xinix{$@esperi.demon.co.uk>, in comp.emacs % Inscription found at Pompeii: Nero MCCCXXXVII VkrIpVII kIddXIII est. -- Black Parrot, on slashdot.org % WWRMSD? (What would Richard M. Stallman do?) % > DAVE CUTLER, SR.DISTINGUISHED ENGINEER, WINDOWS BASE TEAM Dave > Cutler, Sr. joined Microsoft in 1988. Currently responsible for the > design of the 64-bit release of the Windows Operating System, Cutler > is generally considered one of the top few programmers > worldwide. Seeing the "quality" code coming out of the Redmond Academy of Teenage Software Neophytes Emitting Substandard Technology or R.A.T.S.N.E.S.T, the above doesn't stand tall as much of an accolade for Mr. Cutler. -- Brian Schenkenberger (VAXman), in comp.os.vms % Linus is an interesting case. He like to think of himself as an anti-Emacs bigot, for purely philosophical reasons. Yet, the editor he uses himself is Emacs, in one of its lesser incarnations. He would like to use vi, again for purely philosophical reasons, but in practice it simply sucks too much. In order to be productive, he has to use an emacs (if not the Emacs) for editing. It shows how we Emacs zealots can afford to be passive, the Truth is on our side, and will prevail in the end. -- Per Abrahamsen , in alt.religion.emacs % MCSE: Must Consult Someone Experienced. % Currently, my Emacs process is running on something called "Solaris", and have frames open on something called "NT" in one office, and something else called "Debian" in another office. It doesn't matter, Emacs feels the same to me, except than on Debian I had to disable some insult to humanity called "Gnome" in order for it to become useful. Maybe someday I'll have this "BeOS" thing below my Emacs, it doesn't matter, as long as BeOS is well behaved enough to know when to get out of the way. OS's and GUI's come and go, only Emacs has lasting power. -- Per Abrahamsen (abraham@dina.kvl.dk), in alt.religion.emacs % You know, those kinds of errors wouldn't happen if you programmed using Emacs. -- adapted from Per Abrahamsen (abraham@dina.kvl.dk), in alt.religion.emacs % >> You know, that kind of errors wouldn't happen if you programmed in Emacs. > > Really. So in addition to being Sent Down From God, Emacs has the ability > to cure program bugs by itself. The first part of your statement is, of course, correct. The second part is slightly misleading. This particular brand of bugs simply cannot occur, so talking about a "cure" is inaccurate. Emacs will simply not allow you to write outside the bounds of a fixed sized array. Emacs knows best. -- Per Abrahamsen (abraham@dina.kvl.dk) giving a heathen his comeuppance, in alt.religion.emacs % "Isn't vi that text editor with two modes... one that beeps and one that corrupts your file?" -- Dan Jocabson, on comp.os.linux.advocacy % /"\ \ / ASCII RIBBON CAMPAIGN X AGAINST HTML MAIL / \ -- stolen from Brian P. Flaherty, % Try to remove the color-problem by restarting your computer several times. -- Microsoft-Internet Explorer README.TXT -- quoted by Eric Marsden , in gnu.emacs.help % Let's not forget the chunky sensation known as Garth Brooks, who thinks that pyrotechnics and prime-time specials are groundbreaking entertainment. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Garth, but the only thing separating you from Elton John is that hairy thing under your bottom lip, and the fact that you don't fantasize about the Hardy Boys. -- Seńor Cranky, "I Hate Country Music" % A.D. 1517: Martin Luther nails his 95 Theses to the church door and is promptly moderated down to (-1, Flamebait). -- Yu Suzuki, quoted on slashdot.org % Unless you want to be rendered a perpetually incompetent pink-boy, capable of little more than reading Harry Potter paperbacks and tapping your foot to Brittany Spears videos on the shiny things channel, I suggest you avoid executing the so-called "xemacs" binary which has been introduced into your system via subterfuge. -- Craig Brozefsky , in comp.emacs % How to recompile XEmacs to make it act like GNU Emacs: ./configure --disable-useful-stuff --enable-communist-manifesto \ --add-butt-ugly-gui --dont-install-necessary-packages --autoinflate-sheep -- Robin Socha , in comp.emacs % Some people, when confronted with a problem, think ``I know, I'll use regular expressions.'' Now they have two problems. -- Jamie Zawinski % "If the smartest person in the world told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? No? Well, then, I'll have to think of something else." -- adapted from Helen, Sweetheart of the Internet, 1 September 2000 % And God wrote in Lisp code Every creature great and small. Don't search the disk drive for man.c, When the listing's on the wall. And when I watch the lightning Burn unbelievers to a crisp, I know God had six days to work, So he wrote it all in Lisp. -- from http://www.songworm.com/lyrics/songworm-parody/EternalFlame.html % This is like VMS. It was good, solid, engineering. Design? Who needs design? It _worked_. -- Linus Torvalds, in a discussion of pthreads on linux-kernel % Give me liberty or give me something of equal or lesser value from your glossy 32-page catalog. -- Elvis Maximus, on slashdot.org % The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side. -- Hunter S Thompson % BTW, the source code to perl gives me a headache, I haven't seen anything so convoluted since I did the Maple ports for Waterloo. The comments are either quotes from 'Lord of the Rings' or self-congratulatory remarks of how efficient or clever the next block of code is. -- David Jones (author of the OSU web server), quoted in comp.os.vms % If the US Navy is going to use NT on their ships, they'd better enlist a seaman whose name is Mr. Protection Fault, and promote him to General immediately. -- Warren Spencer , in comp.os.vms % It's being everyone else that is. -- Aaron Sebold , in saying that being a member of one specific group isn't a bad thing % Ow! Ow! Sorry, I don't suffer fools very well. -- adapted from a Dilbert comic strip % Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance. -- From "Dijk, Jeroen van" , in comp.os.vms % Hmm... maybe my perception of the history of computing is not, ahem, quite right, but I was under the impression that Al [Gore] actually invented [the internet]. I'm sure he gave his name to methods for working out procedures to run on early computers ... something like Al Gore Rhythms. -- Roy Omond , in comp.os.vms % Good luck against those elephants. -- Capt. Kevin Darling, "Blackadder Goes Forth: Captain Cook" % The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own satanic herd! -- Lord Edmund Blackadder, "Blackadder II: Money" % Darling: I'm as English as Queen Victoria! Blackadder: So, your father's German, you're half-German, and you married a German? -- from "Blackadder Goes Forth: General Hospital" % Believe me, Baldrick, eternity in the company of Beelzebub and all his hellish implements of torture would be a picnic compared to five minutes with me...and this pencil. -- Edmund Blackadder, "Blackadder the Third: Ink and Incapability" % That's what I said, but it got corrupted by a freak (and very well- aimed) particle storm. Honestly. -- Nix <$}xinix{$@esperi.demon.co.uk>, in alt.religion.emacs % This guy's dumber than Forrest Gump. His catch phrase must be, "Life is like a box of chocolates. Darned if I know why." -- Dean Pannell on Danny Ong of Microsoft, seen on www.kuro5hin.org % It's tuned to a Top Forty rock station and they're in th' middle of a "BACKSTREET BOYS" weekend! I'm goin' NUTS from th' PIMPLY BLEATING! -- Zippy the Pinhead, 20 October 2000 % The Sun (TM) goes down every day. (But the VMS systems just keep running.) -- adapted from Mark Levy and David Dachtera on comp.os.vms % > THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH SPLITTING AN INFINITIVE. Check the FAQ at > www.grammarlady.com This is off-topic banter up with which I shall not put. -- Warren Spencer , in comp.os.vms % Useful phrases for the workplace, #1 Thank you - we're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. % Useful phrases for the workplace, #2 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. % Useful phrases for the workplace, #3 I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. % Useful phrases for the workplace, #4 Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. % Useful phrases for the workplace, #5 I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't care. % Useful phrases for the workplace, #6 I like you. You remind me of when I was young and inexperienced. % Useful phrases for the workplace, #7 What am I - flypaper for freaks!? % Useful phrases for the workplace, #8 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. % Useful phrases for the workplace, #9 I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. % Useful phrases for the workplace, #10 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. % Useful phrases for the workplace, #11 It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off. % Useful phrases for the workplace, #12 Yes, he is an agent of Satan, but his duties are largely ceremonial. % Useful phrases for the workplace, #13 No, my powers can only be used for good. % Useful phrases for the workplace, #14 How about never? Is never good for you? % Useful phrases for the workplace, #15 I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. % Useful phrases for the workplace, #16 Your idea seems reasonable... Time to up my medication. % Useful phrases for the workplace, #17 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. % Useful phrases for the workplace, #18 I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... % Useful phrases for the workplace, #19 I don't work here. I'm a consultant. % Useful phrases for the workplace, #20 Who me? I just wander from room to room. % Useful phrases for the workplace, #21 My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! % Useful phrases for the workplace, #22 It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm % Useful phrases for the workplace, #really quite busy. % Useful phrases for the workplace, #23 At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. % Useful phrases for the workplace, #24 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. % Useful phrases for the workplace, #25 I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. % Useful phrases for the workplace, #26 Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject. % "For believers there are no questions; for nonbelievers there are no answers." -- Chofetz Chaim % I think that hamsters don't really understand the wheel in which they run. I think they're sniffing and snuffling along, when they discover Something. They nose their way in, start walking, and then "Oh, o-oh! Uh oh! Run! Run faster! Aaaaaahhhhhh!" -- Matt Winfrey, at http://members.primary.net/~rwinfrey/ % These are also the people who feel that the Israeli-Arabs who scream "Death to the Jews!" are really only seeking equal rights... Ten measures of stupidity were bestowed upon the world, and the left took much more than one... -- Uri Orbach, in Ma'ariv, a Jerusalem periodical % I would have to concur with Dr. Brackett..Bowie's got a 30,000,000 horsepower Tesla coil of a brain compared to Malda's quarter-horsepower weedwhacker. -- Engineer Bob MacGyver, on http://www.ibiblio.org/propaganda %